Please Stop Murdering Grandma
Dear Reader,
The leaves or changing, the weather is gorgeous, and in between my daily walks I'm hard at work on a new novel, so I'm going to keep it simple this month and share a cute and very short (flash fiction) story I wrote a couple of years ago and which was originally published in Daily Science Fiction in August of 2022.
Trigger warning: weaponized comma use.
Please Stop Murdering Grandma
by: Christine Amsden
My Dearest Susie,
What a delightful surprise to receive your letter in the mail! When my secretary handed it to me, I confess I did not know what to think. You are the first of my granddaughters to ever send me a letter (no, Dear, email does not count), and it simply swelled my heart to read it.
I have now read the letter several times and am enclosing my editorial notes. Aside from your atrocious penmanship and spelling, I must point out that commas can save lives. For example:
Let’s eat Grandma.
Let’s eat, Grandma.
As I have no desire to be cannibalized, I hope you will work harder in future to ensure you place your commas in the correct location. Although I suppose it is not entirely your fault. The state of education these days is simply appalling. When I was a young lady, we got a sharp
slap with a ruler for making a mistake; now, you get safe spaces. Did you see how I used the semi-colon there? (Perhaps that’s a lesson for another time.)
In your next letter, I want you to focus on proper comma usage. To facilitate this, I offer the following motivation: Every time you misuse a comma, I will put down one of my clones. So you see? You will literally be killing grandma with every careless mistake.
Please do write again soon, or I will continue putting down my unauthorized clones on principle. Give my best to your moms, and do ask them to stop hiding from me. I know exactly where they are at all times thanks to the tracking devices embedded in their skulls.
All my love,
Grandma
Dear Grandma,
First, its, Zuzu (they/them), not, Susie, and, I hope, I am, putting, enough, commas, in.
Mom, and Mum, know, about, the trackers. Its, why, they, are, not with, me, or, the rebelion. You, can’t, find you’re, unauthorised clones, that way.
If commas, were, the bigest, problem, you, saw in, my letter, you, will soon, loose, your throne. You can, not keep, acting like, its the 20th century. A lots, changed, in 300, years. But you, stay, the, same. New clone, same memories.
But Mom, and Mum, escaped. Made me. Razing, me, in 2256. Not 1956. They, think, you, are, evil. But I, came, from you, and I, am, not, evil.
I want, to, save, you. I, will, turn, myself in, and, let, you, chip me, but, you, have, to, do, one, thing, first.
Please stop murdering, Grandma!
Love,
Zuzu
The End
Don't forget that the entire Cassie Scot Series is now free for Kindle Unlimited subscribers. You can get the first book here.
She was born into a world of magic, but she has none of her own…
Cassie Scot is the normal daughter of powerful sorcerers, born between worlds but belonging to neither. She strives to find a place for herself, but living in the shadow of her family’s reputation isn’t easy. All she wants is a nice, normal job, but her dreams of independence from magic are threatened when she stumbles upon the gruesome body of sixteen-year-old Nancy Hastings.
Now Cassie is plunged into a paranormal investigation which gets her tangled up with the victim’s powerful family, the Blackwoods. Dark, dangerous, and handsome Evan Blackwood tempts Cassie deeper into a world she seeks to escape. Yet Evan—and magic itself—may not be ready to let her go.
Sincerely,
Christine
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